What I regret more than anything is not being more selfish and stepping in. I regret taking for granted that such perfect love would always be by my side.
I regret not 'listening' and 'knowing' and I regret not being with Stevie that day!
...but I remember!
Mamacita

when you told your Mom, Nanny and I you didn't want to get married, that things had changed. we tried to talk you out of it, because we thought it was for your sake. But, you knew who you really loved in your heart. You tried to focus on the plans, tried to be honorable and responsible, but you struggled in your heart. i have to say, i've learned so many things from you , being around you from the time you were a baby, but from that experience, i've learned to trust in thor more, learned to listen to him, to really listen. being apart of you and your life - seeing your Mom, Nanny, Kimmy and Kerry and their fierce love - it has all helped me be a better mom now. i miss you. xox

I had this memory today, it was the first WARM day in a very long time and it got me thinking about Steve, Cameros and driving.

Along time ago, before your SS is what is now we were driving back from BagelMeister. Natalie and Brian were in his Mustang following us down Dulaney Valley Road. When we got up the hill to the flat stretch of road before the turn to Valley Country Club you opened her up. We left Bri and Nads in the dust. I must have had a paniced look on my face while I was laughing because you turned your head and smiled that restassuring smile and dropped it into 5th or 6th (can't quite remember because of how long ago it was). The day was gray and hazy, almost rainy and I remember so clearly how you made the sun peak out through the clouds as we drove down Dulaney Valley Road passing a green Z28 and stopping on a dime at the light before the bridge. The Z28 pulled up unrolled their window and said sweet ride...but before they could ask about the engine the light was green and we were gone again.

That day we vowed never ever to tell my mom about us driving together...because you knew how much I loved to go fast, and you loved to drive fast. Everytime, I take that curve on Dulaney Valley Road before the church I think of you saying to me: "are you ready?" and me nodding and grabbing the seat.

I think we got to your house 20 minutes before Brian and Natalie. And then Nanny made us all something to eat, which leads me to another memory...one that I think I will share another day.

I love and miss you so much!

Stevie,
I have just been thinking about the night you were born.Your mother was so excited. Nanny was beyond excited. She would not let me stop and get a bite to eat. We got to the hospital and your mom was wheeled by getting ready to go into the operating room. You came out so tiny. 4.6oz. Same size as me.... huh??
Your mother would not let get go of you. When you came home I could not wait to get back to your house so I could take you out and pretend you were mine.
I loved pretending I was your mother. I was so proud of you. I have always been proud and usually amused with the things you came up with. I love you and miss you, more importantly I miss seeing you and your mom together-always as ONE.I will always miss your sweetness, and gentleness.

Thinking about the time you and went to the Walters for the re-grand opening. The pics we took of the staircase and fountains in the garden. I wish we could have more times like these. I wish you could take Thor for out for icecream or movies or all the things we used to do. I love you. Thanks for being so "I know kungfu"

xoxoo

I had a random thought today of the time you called for me to bring the keys to the school for you. As I pulled up, you had the most beautiful and playful smile as you ran to the car. For just that moment you were as happy and carefree as a child again. I am so thankful Stevie for every smile and joy in your precious life...
I miss your laughter. I miss you and everything about you angel!

*2004 our last Christmas together...I miss your precious love as only you know!

Today I heard Run DMC and it made me laugh thinking back to you and the red camaro and brian and the blue mustang. Later I had random thoughts you and chris sneaking on the back nine at pine ridge, fire and ice, and of course taco bell and united! i miss you so much
-xxxooo

Trying to make a 'George' hat for Thor out of wrapping paper, I remembered the last time I wrapped presents for you. As usual, you would deliver your presents and ask me to wrap them for you since you didn't really like this task, like most men. The last Christmas together, you gave me my presents from you and they looked familiar! I had wrapped my own present! When I looked over at you, you had the biggest smile on your face and said, "you know I hate wrapping presents. I love you!"
And how could I forget the way you added extra tape to the edges of my presents so I couldn't peek!
Every moment is precious that I shared with you baby.
Thank you!
p.s. I love you more!!!

I was drawn to a perfect stranger (or so I thought) to make sure she was ok or safe. I wanted to protect her and her innocence and vunerability and then discovered that she was one of your students. As I learned this, I remembered her face from years earlier. I remembered you saying her name as you told me about her and then knew why I was drawn to her. (You were so proud of your students and I believe you told me about each one and what you were most proud of in them and their accomplishments. You really had a soft spot for children and young adults. You could have been beat from a very long day, and yet a smile would come to your face as you recounted your day with them...every time)
Your strength amazes me constantly, Stevie.
Inez called later that day to thank me for being her 'guardian angel' and I told her that it was 'my angel' that was responsible ...and she agreed that she too knew that.
We love you and realize how blessed we are to have been given such a beautiful gift. You have made such an imprint on our hearts and lives. I could never repay or thank God enough to have trusted me with such a precious angel as my son; my heart and soul.
I know how happy it made you...and that's all that I could ever want now!
xoxo